


i raised myself, my legs were weak

by celaenos



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, One Shot, feelings are hard, post ep 46 & 47
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 08:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17422517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celaenos/pseuds/celaenos
Summary: “BEAU IS MY ROOMMATE AND MY BEST FRIEND AND SHE LOVES ME!” Jester turns away from her screaming match with Nott and looks at Beau. The indignant huff disappears in a blink, replaced with an unsure and almost fearful look. She’s pressing her palms together, fidgeting. “Right, Beau?” she asks, hopeful.





	i raised myself, my legs were weak

“I love you, too,” Jester says, soft and quiet. Beau sucks in a breath. Thank the gods she’s turned away from Jester right now, because she has no idea what her face is doing, but it can’t be doing anything good. She’s already flustered from the surprise hug and now Jester whispering into the back of her neck is sending her over the edge.

Beau can’t remember the last time she told someone that she loved them. Her mom, probably. When she was younger and trying to get attention. Reassurance. Something resembling a maternal bone that gave a shit about Beau and the way her father very clearly made her feel.

She can’t remember what her mother’s response was. It doesn’t matter, now. It doesn’t beat this one; Jester’s strong, warm arms holding her tight, her breath heating up her neck and the words given back almost effortlessly.

Almost.

She’s nearly as tentative as Beau feels, which makes this seem all the more monumental, honestly. Jester is usually loud in her convictions. Bold in her declarations and sure of them in a way that makes Beau a little jealous. Now though, she’s soft and quiet and unsure, even though Beau said them first.

She’s also grinning widely, Beau can feel her smile against her neck, too.

“Don’t stay up too late,” Beau manages to say back. Jester’s hands freeze, then she gives Beau a tight squeeze that makes it very clear that she is one of the strongest people in the party and Beau grunts happily before she is released. Strong women have historically been her weakness.

“Night Beau,” Jester hums.

“Uh huh,” Beau says, and quickly walks away.

She doesn’t take the whole roommate thing into account very well. Jester does stay up a while—Beau figures she’s with Fjord, and the little twinge of jealousy the suddenly blooms at the thought is annoying. Beau means to be sound asleep when Jester slips back into their quarters on the ship, but she doesn’t manage it.

She pretends, though.

“Beau?” Jester whispers, hovering above her bed. Beau keeps her breathing even and eyes closed. She’s already feeling a hundred things that she doesn’t know how to articulate, she’ll never fall asleep if she tries to talk with Jester more, now. Jester waits another beat and then before Beau can do anything, she feels her bend down, place the gentlest of kisses to her forehead and then slide into the bed and roll over. Beau definitely stops breathing for a minute.

It takes her fucking ages to fall asleep.

…

…

Jester gets kind of tentative with Beau after that; her looks linger longer and she’s not as loud and goofy—though she still _is,_ she’s incapable of not being, probably—and even though she’s around Beau all the time it feels like they don’t know what to say to each other.

Beau hates it. She wishes that she’d never gone and said anything and made it weird. She was just—she was _trying_ to just show people that she cares about them. She thought _that_ was the hard part, and after that, it would get easier.

Apparently not.

Caduceus is the one who asks her what’s wrong and Beau nearly takes his head off for half a second before reigning herself in. “Sorry,” she mumbles and slumps down to the deck of the ship. He lowers himself down beside her easily and shrugs. And then there is a mug of tea resting beside her hip and a plate of food being pushed into her hands.

“Probably low blood sugar,” he says, in that low drawl of his. “I hear that happens a lot to humans.”

Beau laughs and starts picking at the food. It’s a bit bland. Cad’s a good cook but he’s running out of spices that can do much help to spelled food. Beau kind of can’t wait to get off this fucking ship. Nicodranas cannot come soon enough. She wonders how big Nugget is now. She wonders if Jester remembers that the two of them share the dog.

“This is good,” Beau tells Caduceus.

“No, it’s not,” he laughs. “But once we get off this ship I’ll cook you something fabulous.”

“Who taught you?” Beau asks and Cad shrugs one shoulder, looking off at the horizon. Beau realizes suddenly that she doesn’t really know much about him, still. It doesn’t matter, in the scheme of things. He’s had her back multiple times. He’s nice to Jester. He’s a great cook, and she likes him. All of that is enough for Beau where it isn’t usually with other people. She wants to know everything about everyone else she meets—always has.

“One of my sisters,” Cad says, a beat later. He turns to Beau with a wry smile on his face. “But my brother was the one who taught me how to do it _well._ Not just functionally.”

“You got a brother?”

“I’ve got several.”

“I’ve got one,” Beau says, voice gravelly. “A brother,” she adds, to Cad’s eyebrow raise. “He’s a couple of months old now I guess. Maybe like close to a year? I don’t know. I got the letter a while back and it said he was a few months old. Dunno.”

“And I take it this isn’t the most joyous of news?” Cad discerns.

“He’s what they always wanted. So. I’m out basically. That’s what the letter said. But Fjord… well, he made the point that technically, that’s not a baby’s fault. But—”

“But it’s still easy to be resentful to the tyke,” Cad says, easy. Non-judgmental. “It’s easy when they’re older, too. I’m afraid,” he adds. “Siblings can be hard.”

“I guess,” Beau picks at her food.

“Is that what’s been bothering you?” Cad asks. “Your baby brother?”

“I guess.”

Caduceus raises a pink eyebrow at her.

“Among other things.”

“Such as?”

“Getting off this fucking ship.”

“The ship of which you are First Mate?”

“Shove off Cad,” Beau says, though the bite she’s reaching for isn’t there at all. Instead—horribly—her timber sounds desperate and pleading. Even more horrifying, Caduceus slips an arm around her shoulders and pulls her in for a hug and Beau starts fucking _crying._

He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t tease her, doesn’t ask her what’s wrong, doesn’t point out that she’s not someone who he would expect to cry, nothing. He just slips an arm around her shoulder, easy, and sits with her.

 _Fuck._ Beau might love him, too.

She doesn’t say so. That’s what got her into this mess already; sitting on the bow of a ship and crying into the fucking ocean.

“One of my brothers pushed me into a lake, once,” Cad says.

“What?” Beau mumbles into his chest.

“I couldn’t swim. Still can’t, really. As you’ve discerned. It put me off the water, a little. Not to the extent of Nott—but—”

“Sounds like a shitty brother,” Beau says, though that might be the very wrong thing to say here. She doesn’t know what the rules are.

Cad smiles, wicked. Dangerous. Beau shivers, just a little and it’s not from the chilly salt air coming from the water. “He was,” Cad agrees. “The others weren’t, though.”

“I don’t know if I want a sibling,” Beau admits. “I like being alone.”

“Do you?” Caduceus asks.

“Sure,” Beau posters. “It’s easy. Go where you want. Do what you want. Fuck the consequences.”

“And does that make you happy?”

“Nah, not much anymore,” Beau admits, because she already has, before. Maybe not in so many words, but close enough that he probably knows. He’s good at sussing out lies. “You and your siblings… you guys like… affectionate?” she hedges.

“Sure, hugs are great,” Caduceus shrugs. “Isn’t this great?” he motions to his arm around Beau and she rolls her eyes.

“Fucking fantastic. I meant like… I mean is your family big on ‘I love yous’ and shit.”

“Oh, sure. Sometimes.”

Beau looks out at the ocean, watches the waves swell and dip as Cad’s arm slips away and picks up a mug of tea of his own. He sips at it slowly and nods to the one at Beau’s hip. She picks it up and nurses it as she watches the water.

“Was yours?” he asks, though she’s pretty sure he knows the answer. Beau shakes her head. “I’m sorry,” he says, sincere. He knocks their mugs together. “Good thing you’ve got us now too.”

“I—”

Jester takes that moment to run past them on the deck, chasing her fucking weasel and trying to teach it to do flips while Nott keeps threatening to eat it. She pauses, Nott slamming into her back and squawking up at her while Jester just stares at Beau and Caduceus. “Hi Beau,” Jester says, soft and happy.

“Hi,” Beau says back.

Jester waves and then takes off running again, flipping herself to see if the weasel will mimic her. Beau can’t stop the smile—she doesn’t even want to anymore. When she turns back, Caduceus is wearing a smile similar to Beau’s as he watches Jester as well. He catches Beau’s eye and the smile turns from the fond warm thing it had been into a knowing smirk.

“What?” Beau snaps, too harsh, too quick.

Caduceus’s smirk grows dangerously and he sips his tea, slow. “Oh, nothing Beauregard. Nothing at all,” he hums.

“BEAU!” Jester hollers. “COME HOLD NOTT AWAY FROM SPRINKLE!”

“NO WAY!” Nott screeches.

“YES WAY!”

“NO WAY!”

“BEAU!”

“SHE WON’T!” Nott hollers. “SHE’S ON MY SIDE IN THIS.”

“NO, SHE’S _NOT,”_ Jester screams, indignant. “BEAU IS MY ROOMMATE AND MY BEST FRIEND AND SHE LOVES _ME!”_ Jester turns away from her screaming match with Nott and looks at Beau. The indignant huff disappears in a blink, replaced with an unsure and almost fearful look. She’s pressing her palms together, fidgeting. “Right, Beau?” she asks, hopeful.

The fluttery nervous feeling swells in Beau’s gut again. She’s hyper aware of Caduceus’s eyes on her. Of the way Nott whips around, feral and angry as she scoffs, sure Beau won’t admit to her feelings in such a way. Not like this. Fjord up by the steering wheel with Orly, looking down at them all now that they’ve gotten loud enough to attract attention. Yasha and Caleb turn from where they had been reading and sharpening their swords, respectively and Beau’s stomach revolts doubly. They’re all waiting for her to answer.

Jester most of all.

Beau swallows thickly and remembers the promise she made to herself, after Molly’s death. Remembers the way all of these assholes have made her feel over the last five months or so and she straightens up her shoulders. Her parents were wrong—are wrong. Beau turns to Jester and Nott, beaming and trying real hard not to feel embarrassed by it.

“Right,” she says, firm.

Nott scoffs, surprised and almost proud and confused and angry to have lost this argument all in one breath. Caleb and Yasha both wear sort of surprised looks on their faces but turn and go back to their tasks without much fuss. Fjord sort of grins and tips a hat to Beau, even though the idiot isn’t wearing one. She doesn’t dwell on the complicated emotions she feels about him and Jester, or her and Jester, or any of them. She can’t. Not right now—it’s too much. Beside her, Caduceus hums happily and sips his tea. 

Nott has already started yelling again, “BE THAT AS IT MAY—” she starts, but Jester isn’t paying any attention to her. She is staring at Beau with something like awe, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth and Beau knows what she is about to do half a second before she does it and reacts accordingly. Jester launches herself at Beau and tackles her into a hug that slams them both into the deck hard and knocks over Caduceus’s tea.

“SORRY!” Jester yells, hugging Beau tightly and kissing all around her face.

(Not anywhere near her lips, Beau notes. Neither of them comments on it, but Beau sees the eyebrow raise Cad gives her and looks away sharply.)

“Nott, help me kiss Beau,” Jester demands.

“NO!” Beau hollers. “Get off me.”

“She didn’t say that she loved _me,_ ” Nott says, pointedly walking over.

“Beau, tell Nott that you love her too,” Jester demands.

“I will not,” Beau says, and pushes at Jester’s shoulders to get her off. It’s no use, Jester is a million times stronger than she is. Nott is only marginally stronger than Beau—which is fucking _annoying—_ but she moves to tug at Jester too. Taking pity on Beau, maybe, or sick of this whole charade and wanting them to cut it out and maybe let her eat a rodent.

“Nott,” Jester flips around, flopping herself until she is dead weight on top of Beau and neither her shoves nor Nott’s tugging is of any use. “Tell Beau that you love _her,_ and then maybe she’ll say it back.”

“I will not,” Nott says, repeating Beau and dropping Jester and crossing her arms over her chest.

“Come on…” Jester pleas to them both.

“I’m eating your stupid weasel and I don’t love anyone here except Caleb,” Nott says and turns away.

Jester makes a horrible noise and Nott whips around. “I LIED!” she yells. “Obviously I love you dearly,” she pauses. “I am going to eat your weasel anyway,” she adds and runs.

“BEAU!” Jester screams. “HELP ME GET HER!” she scrambles to get up off of Beau and starts tugging her arm until Beau begrudgingly rises and follows after her. Caduceus picks up her tea, un-spilled, and begins sipping at it instead.

“Hey,” Beau grumps. “That’s mine.”

“No,” Caduceus nods towards Jester. “That is.”

“Fuck you!” Beau says, panicked.

Caduceus’s smile, if anything, _grows._ “I think you mean fuck her. And yes, we can all see that you’re trying.”

Beau shoves him. She means to push him into the ocean, because he totally deserves it, but then she remembers the story about his brother—the shitty one—and then she remembers that she has one of those, now, and just shoves him into the deck instead. She dumps the remains of her tea over his head before turning and running after Jester and Nott.

Her heart beats wildly inside her chest, and Beau doesn’t know why, but she is smiling.


End file.
